Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's official drugs can't kill me
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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