I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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