Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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