you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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