you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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