I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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