do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize