I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
