Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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