Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
