Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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