i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
