i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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