you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
