Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We had sex on a dog bed..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
