is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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