every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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