YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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