When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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