Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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