I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Randomize
