I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
