my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think my fart just growled at me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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