I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
