Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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