If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
