4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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