Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
