Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
