even my farts smell like vagina
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
