someone threw a dead crab at me
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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