I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
