you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
