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Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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