I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
