the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
