the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Two words: blizzard sex
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
