I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
