i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
