tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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