sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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