First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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