I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
