I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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