Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
