ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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