We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
