she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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