were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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