if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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