I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
