Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
