We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
