I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
