i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
