I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize