Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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