Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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