So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
